cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
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I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history