Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
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50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?