future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
You Might Also Like
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.