Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
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[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang