The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
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Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Ain’t no way
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*