my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
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If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.