Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
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Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Knock Knock
Unimpressed
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.