[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
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When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Lmfao
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.