Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
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Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Covid like
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I wanna be friends with this person
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?