ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
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Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Saturday
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery