In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
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Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.