~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
You Might Also Like
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.