My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
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How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.