me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
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Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
“OMGJK” -atheists
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?