I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
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My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
This made me chuckle.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.