[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.