To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
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Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
<- sleeps well with others
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me