Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
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“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
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Morningbreath
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ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
*skinny dips into black hole
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Best misinterpreted text ever!
My time has come.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
socratic questions
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT