[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
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Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
socratic questions
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
They got Raph!
selfie game
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.