my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
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Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun