When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
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We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Good advice.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I just tested negative for patience.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”