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Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean