Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
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Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.