Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
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I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Eggs benadryl my favourite
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.