Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
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i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I wish all tests were things you peed on
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I ate everything, including the H.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question