I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
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Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while