[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
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I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
For the orator and chef in all of us
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Baller is short for ballerina
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Actually cracking up @ this
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?