Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
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keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
im all 3
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Plant care tips