Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
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Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice