What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
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*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
That de-escalated quickly
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr