Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
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Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
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