Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
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Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Even if I鈥檓 mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she鈥檚 in the shower, but it turns out I鈥檓 not.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it鈥檚 important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 馃槒
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
It鈥檚 so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn鈥檛 just a free aerial tour of the city.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Friends don鈥檛 take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you鈥robably noticed.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.