Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
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Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I wish this was real life…
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”