My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
You Might Also Like
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.