COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
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Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Shower sex be like:
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?