Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
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Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?