I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
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[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Fiction has to make sense.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules