“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
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Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.