My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
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If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall