“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
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So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer