[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
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A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
secret recipe
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.