The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
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If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious