Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
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I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for