911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
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“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.