*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
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*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Worst perfume name ever.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl