This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
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Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.