Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
You Might Also Like
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I’d hang this in my house.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.