My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
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[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.