love it when they get my name right
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Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..