inappropriate Care Bears be like:
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the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
checking out some reviews of my local library
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Shark week, but for squirrels.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.